She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
