woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dating After Heartbreak
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.