After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine