The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?