OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
bring money and cleavage
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
