I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
