he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
