Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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