so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
