Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
