Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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