Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
