before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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