god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
