I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I want to make a zoo with you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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