I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I have peed in a lot of sinks
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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