this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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