Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
