my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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