dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
