I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
