I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
