i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
