I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
