Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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