Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i will never coherently bang her
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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