I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
