Texts From Last Night

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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too

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  (606):are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too http://tfl.nu/1ky4
  Replies (2) Good night (1284) Bad night (512)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.

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  (413): Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go. http://tfl.nu/wjr6
  Replies (18) Good night (541) Bad night (1742)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.

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  (954): My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet. http://tfl.nu/5qcs
  Replies (48) Good night (1036) Bad night (2803)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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  (904): He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college. http://tfl.nu/3hcf
  Replies (19) Good night (2533) Bad night (5994)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now

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  (847): Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now http://tfl.nu/tfy2
  Replies (2) Good night (1912) Bad night (963)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.

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  (814): I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him. http://tfl.nu/ieqp
  Replies (15) Good night (3620) Bad night (693)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

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  (314): If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die. http://tfl.nu/75m1
  Replies (10) Good night (2060) Bad night (957)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?

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  (503): Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me? http://tfl.nu/fx2p
  Replies (3) Good night (1045) Bad night (512)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.

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  (205): I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick. http://tfl.nu/9o5a
  Replies (5) Good night (1632) Bad night (588)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"

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  (252): she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN" http://tfl.nu/vt0o
  Replies (7) Good night (1140) Bad night (599)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.

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  (301): He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis. http://tfl.nu/pct3
  Replies (10) Good night (912) Bad night (1936)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
  Replies (28) Good night (2922) Bad night (1038)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick

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  (240): it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick http://tfl.nu/lcrn
  Replies (5) Good night (1092) Bad night (449)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.

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  (816): Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg. http://tfl.nu/r8tk
  Replies (2) Good night (1101) Bad night (433)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  How does that even work?

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  (702): I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother. (920): How does that even work? http://tfl.nu/1f27
  Replies (5) Good night (472) Bad night (246)

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