Texts From Last Night

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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
  Replies (74) Good night (17927) Bad night (1662)
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  (627): View more from California

  his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.

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  (627): his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting. http://tfl.nu/tvd6
  Replies (46) Good night (1286) Bad night (4446)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.

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  (813): He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys. http://tfl.nu/u6q3
  Replies (16) Good night (871) Bad night (4310)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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  (708): Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic. http://tfl.nu/b2ov
  Replies (15) Good night (1775) Bad night (5997)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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  (508): I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos. http://tfl.nu/pe3o
  Replies (9) Good night (3555) Bad night (756)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.

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  (+44): Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips. http://tfl.nu/4kys
  Replies (1) Good night (2371) Bad night (874)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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  (207): Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this? http://tfl.nu/g5cp
  Replies (9) Good night (3221) Bad night (769)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom

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  (860): at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom http://tfl.nu/ajul
  Replies (3) Good night (1997) Bad night (659)
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.

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  (972): I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards. http://tfl.nu/fq92
  Replies (8) Good night (1770) Bad night (654)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.

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  (902): Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring. http://tfl.nu/d21p
  Replies (4) Good night (493) Bad night (1175)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.

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  (201): Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus. http://tfl.nu/06dr
  Replies (4) Good night (809) Bad night (490)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.

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  (563): He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him. http://tfl.nu/nqw4
  Replies (0) Good night (688) Bad night (298)
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  (626): View more from California

  You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice

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  (626): You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice http://tfl.nu/6uiu
  Replies (3) Good night (920) Bad night (293)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...

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  (318): I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex... http://tfl.nu/uxr0
  Replies (1) Good night (286) Bad night (304)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late

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  (515): Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late http://tfl.nu/tsxw
  Replies (1) Good night (557) Bad night (203)

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