Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
