Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
