Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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