gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Boobs are out for the taking
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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