Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
