it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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