I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
