why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
