I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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