Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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