tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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