Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
