Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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