Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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