An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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