you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
