The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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