my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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