I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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