Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
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Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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