Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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