yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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