We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
