You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Pooping to opera.
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