I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
