I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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