It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
