i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
