i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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