the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
