it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
