Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
