just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need to calm my uterus...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
