I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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