I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
