I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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