I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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